08-07-15 Criminal (2004)

Seen: July 13th, 2008
Format: Broadcast (HDNMV - HDNet Movies)
Rating: 3

If you've been hanging around, waiting for me to slam something, this might be your day.

I watched a great little Argentinian film several years ago called Nueve Reinas. It's a slick and fun little con film. It's real and charming and intriguing all at once. I loved the thing.

And then I saw that it, like so many other great foreign films, was being remade stateside. I cringed. I looked a the cast, felt a little better, then promptly forgot about it.

Imagine my surprise when at the end of this film, I see the credit for Nueve Reinas.

I'm a middle aged guy who watches too much film. I can't remember details and plot points as well as I once did. But it never occurred to me that this was the "same" story. Only at the end did it finally feel familiar.

I'm trying to figure out why.

Criminal is produced by the Section Eight, the Clooney/Soderburgh venture that's produced some outstanding work over the last five years or so. It's got some good talent. Reilly and Gyllenhaal may be at the top of their games now, but they were hardly slouches all the way back in aught four. The supporting cast is competent, at the very least. They're adapting from an excellent source.

So why doesn't it hold up?

One: Diego Luna.

Sorry folks, this is not the guy for this role. He's not tough, he's not smart, he's not crafty, he's not charming. He's a skinny waifish latin dude who can't grow a beard. No way is he any of the people he's supposed to be in this film. I never believed his character. Everything he did and said felt forced and wrong, from the very first scene.

Two: Writing.

Soderburgh had a hand in this, which is a real shame, as I have tons of respect for him. But this didn't pan out. It was too dour. Too fatalistic. Nueve Reinas was dark, but in a sly and amusing fashion, not a maudlin one.

None of these characters have any life. They're dead people going through some strange dance, pulled by whatever strings life has dealt them. The only smiles we see, disregarding Michael, until the final scene, are forced ones. These people have no verve, no love of their lives.

While I don't speak Spanish, the original was full of humor and innuendo that came through in translation, and I've read there was much more before translation. All this seems to have slipped through the cracks.

I've got to attribute this to writing and direction. I know that Reilly can infuse a character with more life than he gave Richard. I know that Gyllenhaal has a subtler range than we see in Valerie. But they, and their compatriots, are so one dimensional, that when we finally get the payoff, we can't believe in them.

Basically, I didn't like a single character in this film, where I liked most of the ones in its progenitor. I really didn't despise any of them either. And that's a problem.

See this one only for comparison or completeness, but the original is highly recommended.

The Good: Stealing from the best
The Bad: And not remotely doing it justice
The Ugly: Choosing your friends poorly